He Wasn't There and It Was All My Fault...

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I've received a couple of emails asking me if I'm okay, because the last few posts don't sound like me, and why am I going back there?  Back there being The Past. 

It's because 2 or 3 weeks ago, I called the father of my children and asked for his help so that we could be better parents to our kid.  I made the call based on the fact that we have been on cautious friendly terms for the last few years, albeit having talked only a handful of times.

I know I said "children", and because I have some new readers, Reader's Digest version is we married at ages 20 and 22, had SonOne a year or so later, and he left when SonOne was 18 months old.  During our separation, we got pregnant on his birthday... I had nothing else to "give" him and at that point I still thought we'd get back together.  Back then I thought having sex with me meant he still loved me.  He stayed gone, (but continued his night time visits), and Jacob was born with severe birth defects and spent most of the time in the hospital.  He died at 3 1/2 months.

As you can imagine, our divorce was a major fucked up mess.  Divorce is never good, but we had an extra burden put on the process.  I hate to use that word, because it implies Jacob was a burden.  He was not.  His death was the burden, and I was one gone mama for about 3 years after.  SonOne was about 2 1/2 when Jacob was born.  I went to counseling 3 times a week.  That is somewhat rare... 3 times a week means you're seriously messed up in the head.  Jacob's story is told (and healed) in a series of "poems", that I've posted online as Jacob Lived and Died.  Read if you will, cause this post isn't about him.

It's about the father and I.  Due partly to our extreme circumstances, we both made some major poor parenting choices. 

The father wasn't there.  Not physically, emotionally, or financially.  If I had to guess the amount of time he has spent with SonOne... maybe a total of 4 1/2 - 5 years out of 31?  In the early months, he'd promise to come see 18, 20, 24 month, 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 year old SonOne, only to not show up, leaving SonOne broken-hearted, staring out the window, looking for daddy's pickup.  It KILLED me.  I can only imagine the impact it left on SonOne.  Then there were the times his dad got mad at me, and he wouldn't call or see SonOne for weeks, months, even years at a time.  Most of the time, it took me and his girlfriend/wife making the arrangements to make visitations happen.

Our fights were so vicious that SonOne learned to tell each parent what we wanted to hear and to make stuff up in order to keep us from talking to each other.  

Some years ago, SonOne told me that "I wasn't any better than his dad", "that I wasn't there for him anymore than his dad was".  I'm telling you this so you know that I know that I'm not off the hook in this story at all.  That part of it is another post tho, and I WILL address it. Must be fair, after all.  Actually, must be truthful.  None of this is "fair". 

But this is about why I've been back in The Past lately - because of that phone call.


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Posted in: Elephant in the Living Room,SonOne